Sex. It seems like such a short, simple word, but it has so much power—power to greatly enrich a marriage or to destroy it.
I have personally experienced both sides of this. During a season of my marriage, sex was used as a weapon and became THE issue that caused bitterness and anger between my wife and me. At one of the worst points, I would describe it as a quiet rage that simmered below the surface.
To be fair, I brought lots of sexual baggage into our marriage, having piped in the pollution of pornography into my life for years and having been involved in a sexual relationship in high school. This baggage resulted in a twisted view of sexuality and unfair expectations on my wife.
We both expected sex to just be automatically awesome and were caught off guard when it became the biggest point of friction in our marriage.
Fast forward to the present, where we are having the best sex of our marriage, and the thing that had been the biggest threat now has become the biggest blessing.
How did we get here? How did we travel out of sexual dysfunction to sexual health?
It has been a long, difficult road, but I hope sharing some of what we’ve learned might help others avoid similar heartache.
- Vibrant personal faith. I know this sounds cliché, but sexual health begins with a consistent daily relationship with Jesus. The closer we get to God, the better we will treat others—especially our spouse.
- Regular worship and small group bible study. Sit together in church and worship with your spouse. Again, this sounds elementary, but it is critical to good sex.
- STOP LOOKING AT PORN. There is never an excuse to look at porn, ever, period. Porn will destroy your marriage; it is a cancer that slowly kills the affection between you and your spouse. No excuses. Just stop. Porn dominated my life for 20 years and almost destroyed me, BUT I AM NOW FREE. I say that last line with fear and trembling, but my desire is that you will find hope in my freedom—that freedom is possible for everyone.
- Talk openly and honestly with your spouse about sex. Sex is a taboo subject—most of us have been conditioned from childhood not to talk about it or even mention it; this is especially true in evangelical homes. Unfortunately, most of us also bring that attitude into marriage.
Communication is the key to great sex. How does your spouse feel about sex? Are there certain things that they like? Things they don’t like? Are there sexual positions that feel better? How about foreplay? How does your spouse feel about oral sex?
These questions are entirely appropriate between a husband and a wife. God gave us sex as a gift. There is no instruction manual, and even if there was, every person is different; the only way to find out is to talk openly about it.
If you are struggling with sex in your marriage, things will not get better if you don’t communicate. Period. Push through the awkwardness, and talk about it. I promise that great sex is worth it.
God created us. He designed our bodies to have orgasms. He gave us sex as a gift to be used within marriage. To procreate, yes, but to also become one with our spouse and connect physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Pray together, but also experiment sexually with your spouse.
Worship together, but also talk about what kind of foreplay you prefer.
Don’t allow this gift to become a weapon.
Don’t miss the blessing of awesome sex with your spouse.