Your Wife Is Not a Porn Star

My husband grew up in the “good-ole-boy” South. Football was king, your mom was queen, you pledged allegiance to flag, and porn was a rite of passage into manhood.

Your Wife Is Not a Porn Star

Not only did his dad introduce him to pornography, but he knew there was ongoing use of it and ignored it in a manly polite way. My husband and his friends would watch it together. It was a normal part of life for him, and there was no Godly man around to tell him that it might not be the best choice now or down the road.

At 18, he met the Lord and thought that his desire for porn would stop. In the beginning the pull toward it was absent, but over time it grew stronger and stronger. He would cave, hate himself, and then he would recommit to the Lord and determine never to do it again.

The cycle repeated mercilessly for years.

At 23, he married me and thought marriage would cure the desire. He would have the sexual outlet he needed. All would be well.

The problem? I am not a porn star. (Surprise.) I am a flawed human being who is sometimes too tired to want to be touched and rarely wants to be contorted into a pretzel.

The soul-draining habit of pornography caused the first few years of our married life to be extremely stressful sexually. He was certain I was abnormal because his views of sexual desire had been warped by years of unrealistic expectations, and I was certain he was abnormal because his unrealistic expectations of me came from left field.

Sex was supposed to be beautiful; for us it was a battlefield.

Years of dealing with an undiagnosed, swept-under-the-carpet porn addiction brought us close to divorce. Did I mention that we were in ministry when we were dealing with this on a daily basis? Yeah.

The “D” word never came up, but there were times I did not know how we would make it. It wasn’t all about the porn, but full-time ministry and life’s bumps and bruises plus the porn were putting us way over the limit of what our fragile marriage could handle.

Through a series of events God rocked my husband to the core. Everything was stripped away. God needed to get his attention on multiple levels and one of them was his addiction.

Isaiah 30:15 says, “With repentance and rest is your salvation.” God used forced rest to bring about repentance, and through it He truly brought my husband’s salvation. Not salvation for his soul—that was taken care of long ago—but salvation for his heart, his mind, and our marriage.

It’s been years since we have dealt with pornography in our marriage. I am forever thankful for the years the Lord has redeemed, but I’m always aware that future years can be precarious. Pornography is an addiction and is not something that will be stopped cold turkey. There will probably never be a time when my husband isn’t at least tempted to participate in it again. We have to be constant in prayer and constantly vigilant about what comes into our lives. Everyone should.

So, here are two cents from someone who has walked this road before.

Wives: Be encouraged. You are not alone; there are more of us out there than you could imagine and we have all felt the same defeated/guilty/sad feelings you feel on a regular basis. I don’t know you, but I’m praying for you right now. I’m praying for peace and love and for a restoration of sexual intimacy in your marriage.

Husbands: Seek the help of a counselor, or at the very least other Christian men who are willing to help hold you accountable. We find forgiveness from God and from our spouse, but James 5:16 tells us that we find healing from confessing our sins and praying for each other. Pornography is not a “little problem”; it spills over into every area of your life. As long as you keep this secret, it will continue to control your life and undermine your marriage. I’m sure you already know this and have experienced it, as we did.

Stop putting sexual expectations on your wife that she could never possibly live up to. Talk through these expectations together, discuss how to begin healing this part of your relationship together, realign your sexual expectations to agree with each other, and put them into practice! If this has been a battleground in your marriage or has been compounded by other communication issues, then you may want to consider the help of a counselor here, too.

Free yourself from this pornography addiction. Free her. Free your marriage. I’m praying for you the repentance, rest, and salvation that God so mercifully granted my own husband.

 

Pornography addiction is a major problem in our culture and within the church. Start a conversation with your friends by sharing one of these photos:

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Julie Lynn is a wife and mother of 3 children. She's been married to her husband for 12 years.

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